I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
