and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Boobs speak an international language.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
