Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
