I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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