dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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