I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
