we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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