I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
