we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
