I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
