My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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