The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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