I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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