a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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