Pappa wants mamma naked
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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