we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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