The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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