You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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