even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
