Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
