so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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