I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
