I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
