The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
