So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
