You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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