Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
