whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You are the jesus of drinking
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
