Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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