It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
