I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
