I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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