If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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