take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
