On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
