Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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