I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
