EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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