I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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