At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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