There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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