I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
