I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
