I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
