The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
