He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
