I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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