I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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