my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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