I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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