4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
