So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
