can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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