I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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