True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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